


If I Said "I Love You" A Hundred Times, It Would Not Be Enough

by LightningClawedSky



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Body Worship, Crying, Edging, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Idiots in Love, Kalin Bottoms, M/M, Makeup Sex, Overstimulation, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Sort Of Vanilla, Team 5Ds!Kalin, also ccapac apu is in kalins mind in the form of invasive thoughts, he has panic attack during sex and yusei comforts him, i think, this wasnt meant to be over 2k words and look where we are, yusei also gets a little dominant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 04:54:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21130979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningClawedSky/pseuds/LightningClawedSky
Summary: There's something in Kalin that's disgusting, writhing around in the darkness of his mind, leading Kalin to believe he's impossible to love, especially with all that he's done, and that he shouldn't love ever again-- but then there's something with Yusei, loving and kind, and Kalin can't quite comprehend it. Even though he wants it, he doesn't think he's deserving of it, but Yusei is determined to pull him out of the shadows to shower him in affection at any cost.(Team 5Ds!Kalin)





	If I Said "I Love You" A Hundred Times, It Would Not Be Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to have gotten into the habit of "one fic a month" for writing? XD I Don't really work on any sort of schedule, I just thought it was funny. I'll try to write something spookier to post for Halloween, since it's my favorite holiday, but I've been desperately trying to finish my Kalin cosplay in the meantime! 
> 
> This is part of my Team 5Ds!Kalin AU, where I'm salty about canon so Kalin joins Team 5Ds post Crash Town arc, and essentially, I rewrite canon entirely. I'm still working on the prologue, so enjoy this in the meantime. (Or you can browse my blog, hyperdrivehearts on tumblr where I RP Kalin and Yusei, if you wanna know more)
> 
> Also shout out to the YGO Shipfest server for helping me and giving me suggestions and idea's when I was stuck, since it's LITERATELY only the second time I've written smut of any sort, the first time being two years ago, so go easy on me.
> 
> \-- also even if I don't explicitly say it in the fic, my Yusei has prosopagnosia (face blindness, meaning he can't remember and recall people's faces) and is asexual (as am I lol) but he doesn't mind sex, actually really liking the intimacy of it (finding it romantic,) but other than that he's fairly neutral about it. He mostly had sex because Kalin was in the mood, but this is one of few times Yusei is the one to initiate. There's still sexy times, dont worry, we all know that's why ur here lol.

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The night had started simple enough-- Yusei and Kalin had found themselves  _ alone _ for once. Crow had a delivery in the early morning and thought it would just be better to stay at work. Jack had dragged Bruno on "errands" (it was shopping for expensive clothing,) and had crashed at Carly's place, to no objection from her. 

It's been nearly a month since Yusei and Kalin started dating again. Crow had cracked a joke or a handful of the two being unable to resist each other for so long, which had caused Yusei to look away with a red face, buy Kalin looked at the ground, stomach doing somersaults of guilt inside of him. 

He felt guilty of his feelings.

Truth be told, he didn't  _ want _ to still have feelings for Yusei, he had hoped they would be  _ gone _ . Nor did he expect to be revived (he didn't  _ want _ it, truthfully,) and Kalin hadn't expected to see Yusei in Crash Town, stirring up the old feelings he had worked so hard to  _ bury _ under the sand in the desert. 

Maybe that's why he felt afraid when Yusei offered a hand-- he was afraid that those feelings were still there. Maybe that's why when he accepted and heard Yusei speak those words,  _ "I'm glad you're back. I missed you," _ and felt his heart flutter, did he realize he was more than afraid-- he was absolutely  _ terrified _ because he knew that no matter how much he denied every possibility of still being in love with the other, he  _ still _ hopelessly was at the mercy of his emotions.

He couldn't,  _ wouldn't _ allow himself to acknowledge those feelings.  _ Bury them, bury them _ , and that's what he  _ tried _ to do. He could pine after the other, he did that a lot when he was younger, but now, as much as he craved, he would  _ not _ give and make the first move.

Unfortunately, Kalin didn't take into consideration that there may have been slightest, slimmest possibility that Yusei still garnered the same feelings he once had as well. Now_,_ Kalin could only feel even _more_ _guilty_ for having thought only of himself in that regards. 

How stupid of him, how ridiculously and utterly  _ selfish _ of him. Yusei deserved more than that. He deserved the same level of sincerity as when he walked up to Kalin, voice and tone as careful as always when he spoke to the older man.

_ "You hurt me, Kalin. You hurt me a lot; but, I forgive you. I still love you." _

All Kalin had managed to do, standing there, Yusei holding his face and not only look into his golden eyes, but into the very knots of his corrupted soul, was choke out a single, whispered word on the very verge of tears.

_ "Why?" _

Yusei was too good for this broken world, that's what Kalin had concluded. Reaching out over and over again, trying his best to give hope to not only Kalin, but everyone around him. When Kalin died, he threw that away and left Yusei to suffer-- he'd always hate himself for that. Even in death, Yusei still had tried to give everything to Kalin. He'd also hate himself for coming back from the dead to only wreak havoc and try to  _ kill _ his former lover-- hadn't he hurt Yusei enough by then? How could he have been so blind? Did four years of wallowing in nothing but darkness cause him to be unable to see the light?

It did ease into something better, something  _ healthier _ , at the very least. It wasn't perfect, oh by no means could it ever be as long as Yusei and Kalin were still sorting themselves as people, but regardless, the two slowly shared laughs and flirty remarks with one another (and even some kisses in between, but always from Yusei.) 

Tonight was no different; Yusei was the one to initiate it first, a swagger in his step, a gentle bump with the hips here and there as they worked on the engine, and flirty glances directed at the silvery blue haired male that he's known the majority of his life, that'd make the other blush and turn away, unable to keep his eyes connected to Yusei's half lidded gaze.

Kalin felt silly about it. As Enforcers, he was always the one to start things, the kisses, the sex, he was the leader, the  _ dominator _ , almost always the one to say  _ 'This is what I want, if you're up for it.' _ Yusei was always one to oblige without objections, happy that Kalin was happy (Yusei didn't care all that much about sex behind the intense trust and intimacy.) 

It felt so silly that these days their roles seemed to have been reversed, but what could Kalin say? How could he voice it out?

He didn't want to hurt Yusei again.

He'd rather  _ die _ than repeat the past.

The thought alone sent a cold shiver up his spine.

When Yusei reached up, tugging gently on the collar of Kalin's leather jack, just to bring him down and kiss him so fiercely that Kalin was torn out of his worries and stopped thinking as a whole. Maybe it was the almost  _ needy _ look in Yusei's eyes that made a part of Kalin's  _ old _ self rise up and kiss him back twice as hard with as much passion as he could muster up as if to apologize for all the hurt. (Or perhaps it was buried in Kalin all along, even if he would  _ hate _ to admit it. He hides many skeletons in the dirt, after all.)

Maybe it was just a part of him that had longed for the other, missing everything from their talks and how their words carried so much meaning, to how their bodies fit together near perfectly and how they had seemed to memorize every curve and scar.

He could feel Yusei's lips curl upwards in a smile as they kissed; the younger man wrapping his arms around Kalin's neck and pulling him down closer. 

_ Yusei's happiness is contagious, _ Kalin thinks. Well, he tries to, his mind is hazy under the intensity of the kiss, but he can't help but smile as well, hands travelling downwards until they rested comfortably on Yusei's hips, thumbs finding themselves under Yusei's black shirt and tracing soft circles on his tan skin.

They pulled away, needing air. Kalin gazed down and Yusei looking up, both with soft smiles on their faces, feeling as if they were teenagers once more. Kalin turned, pulling Yusei along, dancing along to a song that wasn't even playing.

It was just the two of them.

There was something so serenely perfect about the moment, holding each other, twisting and turning, and the few times Kalin would pick Yusei up to place a quick kiss on his lips before setting him down again; despite the ugly voice in the back of his brain, telling Kalin he didn't deserve any of this,  _ especially _ not Yusei.

Somewhere along the way, both of them had dropped their jackets off their shoulders and onto the floor. They made their way to Yusei's bed, the rest of their clothes following and finding their way to the ground. Giggles rose up from their throats at how awkward it was; Kalin's harmonica snagged his shirt as he tries to take it off, and Yusei's zipper had gotten stuck, but neither had really cared, sharing laughs and being happy they were together-- mishaps and all.

"I remember us knowing what we were doing." Yusei smiled up at Kalin, running a hand gently along his collar bone.

"It's been a while since we were like this." Kalin agreed with a whisper, smiling softly as he kissed the crook of Yusei's jaw, earning a happy hum from the raven haired man beneath him.

Kalin would never admit it, he'd  _ hate _ to admit it, but he was oh,  _ so _ incredibly nervous about it all. The ugly voice in the back of his brain clawed at its walls, wanting to be let out.

** _You can choke him out right now if you'd like, he's so vulnerable_ ** _ ,  _ ** _especially around you._ **

_ Shut up. _

** _Are you sure he loves you? Are you sure you even love _ ** **him?**

_ \--Shut up, shut up! _

Kalin wanted to scream, to dig his nails into his head and claw holes into his skull until he could rip out every remainder of the dark god, Ccapac Apu, out of his skull. Despite it all, Kalin still lovingly exchanging a smile with Yusei.

Yusei had no idea about the mental war Kalin faced every single day.

_ I deserve to feel happy. I deserve to feel love. I deserve to have this one fleeting moment before my thoughts catch up to me. _

** _But how fast can you run?_ **

Yusei can sense the unease from Kalin. There's a hesitance behind every kiss, every movement. He smiles no matter what, hoping he can get across that it's okay, that he trusted Kalin with every fiber of his body and soul. (A part of him felt guilty about missing the fire that Kalin used to be ablaze with.)

Kalin brushed some of the black hairs from Yusei's forehead, planting a kiss there, and then his cheek, moving his way down and peppering his lover's face with short kisses. He moved downwards, spending longer amounts of time on each spot as he kissed his neck, surely putting enough pressure to leave gentle bruises behind.

It's not that Kalin had  _ intended _ to mark the sensitive skin, he couldn't particularly help himself, and the way Yusei happily hummed his pleasure, letting out soft gasps here and there, Kalin found pleasure in showing how much he cared, how much he  _ loved _ .

He moved further down; the crook of Yusei's neck to the shoulders, the collar bone and finally his chest. Yusei was just as scarred as he was, littered with faint little lines and deeper cuts from results of moments of stupidity and trust. He made sure to kiss those scars, as if in apology for having caused them.

Kalin's hands found themselves roaming Yusei's body, tracing the muscular frame of his boyfriend in content. He was lucky, wasn't he? To be here? To be  _ alive? _

There was something that was so deliciously perfect about Yusei, something that Kalin felt as if he didn't deserve, but he'd selfishly take it anyways, if even just for this singular breath.

_ Nothing can ruin this moment, _ he thinks, but then his fingers brush the indent of a long, heavy scar in Yusei's side.

Kalin's happy bliss shatters in an instant.

He pulls back in an instant, moving too fast and almost falling off the bed. His hands open and closed tightly, still processing the sensation of the scar along Yusei's flesh. Kalin brings his hands up to his head, holding the sides of his face before slowly and shakily running themselves through his hair, gripping his shoulders, trying to get the sensation off of his skin; trying to get the blood  _ off _ that has long been washed away, yet had stained his memories to the very core. 

** _You did that._ **

Kalin's eyes were wide, his cold body shaking and his breathing heavy, all from raw panic than that of the pleasure from moments before. Hands brought themselves up to his head once again, nails digging into his scalp and pulling at silvery blue locks of hair. 

_ I did that, I did that, I- _

The words repeated in his head, booming through his cranium and he shut his eyes as a pained sob ripped through the air and his heart, vibrating through his lungs like a train travelling through an empty tunnel, shaking every wall. 

Kalin could see it. The darkness hanging in the air, the purple fire that burned around him, his laughter haunting his mind as he saw Yusei lose control and wipe out onto the ground, surely breaking a rib or two from the impact alone. 

Then he, oh  _ god _ . Kalin could remember picking up a shard of metal and sauntering his way to Yusei, gripping it so tightly that the ragged edges had cut into his own pale fingers. 

Then he had  _ stabbed _ the other.

Yusei's screams reverberated through his mind louder than the train of disgusting thoughts that had ripped through only moments before. 

His chest felt tight with bloodlust, so much so that it made him sick-- or perhaps he felt nauseous from the thought of killing Yusei in itself. Maybe it was both, but he couldn't tell.

_ "Kalin," _ Yusei breathed, crawling across the bed and cupping his boyfriend's face in his hands the moment he had scurried away, hoping to ground him enough to pull him from the ocean of horrible, horrible thoughts he had plunged himself into-- but Kalin didn't seem to hear.

"Kalin, talk to me.  _ Please _ ."

Kalin opened his golden eyes, slowly lifting his gaze to meet Yusei's sea of worry. Yusei's thumb brushed Kalin's cheek gently, calmly. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"But I  _ want _ to." Kalin insisted, a frustrated growl to the edge of his voice, directed at himself rather than Yusei. "I want to, but I  _ ruined _ it."

"Kalin, you didn't ruin anything."

"I ruined  _ you." _

Yusei pressed his forehead against Kalin's, running a hand through Kalin's hair, twirling it idly around a finger. "Kalin, we're from Satellite. We were  _ never _ perfect to begin with."

Yusei pulled back, brushing Kalin's bangs away from his covering his eyes, the dark circles underneath coming into clearly into view. Kalin looked tired and terrified, like a dog that had been running away in fear for far too long and had forgotten what they were running from, knowing they just had to keep going. 

Yusei smiled up in sympathy, taking Kalin's scarred right hand (most of his arm having pinkish red burns twisting along it and accentuating every fibre of his muscles,) and pressed a tender kiss on the tips of his fingers. 

"Are you sure you you want this? I know _ I _ do, but I want you to enjoy yourself too. We can always have sex some other time, you know."

"We're always so  _ busy _ ," Kalin found himself whining. "The Grand Prix is coming up, we're working on the engine, we're working off jobs, we're trying to keep our dueling up to snuff and half the team is in school during this all. When will we have the  _ time _ , Yusei? The house is rarely ever empty as it is."

Yusei was quiet, averting his eyes. He didn't want to admit it, but Kalin and his pessimistic attitude  _ did _ have a point. He didn't know what was going to happen next in their lives; it was a sinking knot in Yusei's gut knowing that he and his friends may have to go save the world yet again. (A part of him wanted a breather from it all, to just life like someone who was  _ normal _ . Though, after everything he and his friends had gone through, could they ever lead normal lives again?)

Kalin knew it deep down as well, that as long as Yusei was a Signer, and that his boyfriend would always feel the need to save everyone, he'd run off in a heartbeat to protect everyone around him-- friends, enemies, even strangers, if only to make up for the past of Zero Reverse. Kalin knew that every fight would be a dangerous one, and that he'd probably be inevitably left behind, but as long as Yusei would come back, he'd be fine.

He didn't want to think about a life without Yusei. (He had almost stolen that star from the world only a few months prior. He shuddered at the memories playing behind his pale eyelids.)

"I can see it in your eyes. Your eyes always give away your thoughts, Yusei. You  _ know _ I'm right."

"I know." Yusei murmured, brushing a stray strand of Kalin's hair behind his ear, their eyes meeting briefly before Yusei leaned forwards to press a soft kiss on Kalin's pale lips. 

"You didn't answer me when I asked before," Yusei teased, pulling back with a small smirk. "Do you want this?"

"I want  _ us." _ Kalin entreated, but his gaze fell once again, looking at the scar across Yusei's torso. He had to flinch away, he couldn't keep staring at it in fear that more tears may streak his face. "But do you want  _ me? _ After everything?"

Yusei's smile softened in sympathy, placing a gentle kiss on Kalin's knuckles. 

"Always."

Kalin flexed his fingers in silence, unsure of his own feelings and of what to say regarding them. His breathing was still unsteady, and truth be told, he didn't think he  _ could _ lead in his current mindset. Nervousness bubbled inside of him and he could hear Ccapac Apu laughing in the back of his mind, finding glee in his inner turmoil.

** _Weak, weak, weak! It’s hard to believe that you’d willingly trade all that power just to be with some simple minded human!_ **

"I just--" Kalin swallowed, words forming at the back of his throat and getting stuck there. He  _ wanted _ this, more than anything, more than the doubt of Ccapac Apu could  _ try _ and wash out. Kalin didn't know how to say it, partially because he didn't want to be seen as pushy, partially because he didn't want to sound  _ needy _ .

Yusei, of course, had picked up on his hesitancy (he always seems to read Kalin the best, even though there were admittedly times he had no idea what the other may have been thinking.) He placed another tender kiss, this time on Kalin's inner wrist, along ugly horizontal lines and burn scars. "Just focus on my voice, okay? If you want me to stop, for any reason, just tell me."

Kalin didn't say anything, but he nodded in defeat, exhaling a strained sigh from his nose. 

Yusei slowly kissed upwards on Kalin's arm, making sure to put enough pressure that the other would be able to feel every kiss and every ounce of love through the heavy scar tissue. A part of Yusei was worried if he was touching all the right spots (it's been forever and a  _ half _ since he had taken the lead during sex,) but when he heard a pleasured moan escape Kalin’s lips, he felt assured that he was doing everything  _ just right. _

Yusei sensually kissed Kalin's neck, slow and soft, but enough to leave red marks against the other's ashen skin (it wasn't that hard to blemish it to begin with, in all honesty.) Yusei dragged his tongue gently along, the corners of his lips twitching into that of a satisfied smile as he heard a whimper from the taller man. 

He moved his way downwards, feeling along Kalin's body, (and although muscular, it had a sense of frailty,) with calloused hands. Yusei glanced up at Kalin, almost seeking approval of the other. Kalin's breathing was heavy, his skin already flushed, and that was approval enough for Yusei. He continued to move his way across Kalin's chest, taking extra precaution to leave a soft, loving trail of kisses across the scar on Kalin's chest.

"I love you. Every single part of you."

Kalin opened his mouth, almost in protest but said nothing, as Yusei pressed a finger to his lips, hushing him. "You always say that you're nothing, but to me Kalin, you're  _ something _ and so,  _ so _ much  _ more _ \-- just let me prove that to you."

** _You're something that deserves to _ ** **rot** ** _._ **

Kalin didn't want to admit it, but he found himself latching onto every word that left Yusei's lips, ignoring the voice in his head more and more. To be good enough, to just be something  _ good _ in general, it was essentially all he really wanted. In the public's eyes, he was a monster on a team of heroes. It made him tired, it made him tense and it made him  _ ache _ .

"I love you," Yusei repeated with a smile. " _ Everything _ about you is lovely. Your skin, your laugh, your soft hair.  _ Hell _ , when I look into your eyes, it's like I'm seeing them for the first all  _ over _ again."

Kalin blinked, surprised at the earnest words, surprised at the heat in his abdomen from it all. He couldn't help but think that Yusei looked so  _ cute _ like this, eyes filled with love and determination, and all for him no less-- all for his rotting self. Tears pricked at his eyes once again, and Yusei was was quick to pull himself up to kiss them away. "I love you, I love you. They say that saying _ ‘I love you,’ _ makes the meaning of it grow thin, but everytime I say it, I mean it more and more. Kalin, I fucking love you, and I’d trade all the stars in the sky to be with you.”

"I-I love you too." Kalin stammered out, though his eyes did not meet Yusei's, shifting around in worry that they would drop and land on the scar once again, bringing them back to where they started. How could he meet those poetic words of love and devotion back? He felt so silly of it, knowing exactly that Yusei meant more than everything between hell and heaven to Kalin, but he was unable to form it into all into proper words, but he hoped, he could only hope that Yusei could understand.

"I know." Yusei smiled, running a hand through Kalin's hair, mild surprise spreading across his face that Kalin raised his head to meet the gentle touch. Kalin's lip quivered, and Yusei quickly realized that the taller, broody man was quickly becoming akin to  _ putty _ from Yusei's gentle touches and husky, yet loving voice.

_ How cute, _ Yusei thinks to himself, face reddening as he a small sense of pride knowing  _ he _ was the one to make Kalin as touch starved as he was. The Signer felt a flare of  _ dominance _ rise up inside him as he quickly lowered himself back to kissing Kalin's chest, and--

_ "Mmpf--!" _ Kalin covered his mouth at the more than  _ indecent _ sound that would have escaped, feeling Yusei's warm tongue press against his hard nipple in a teasing flick. He was nowhere  _ near _ as sensitive as Yusei was (god knows  _ how _ the other had actually managed to get his nipples pierced,) but with how hot and bothered he was feeling already, Kalin found himself arching his back into the sensation, bones and muscles creaking like that of an old swing set.

Yusei pulled back, sudden concern flashing in his eyes. "Are you alright?"

"It's just my back," Kalin said with a huff, shifting his position to something more comfortable. He didn't particularly care to stop, not with how  _ hard _ he was already finding himself. "It doesn't matter.”

He couldn’t stop now, not like this, he was already shivering under the gentle touches, craving and  _ wanting  _ more. 

"Are you sure?"

** _You don't deserve the concern of your lover._ **

Kalin reached up, placing a hand on each side of Yusei's face. His eyes were wide, tinted with a mania that hadn't quite died and his lips pulled back in an excited smile, revealing fanged teeth, leftover from being a Dark Signer, no doubt. Kalin suddenly reached up, pulling the other down into a short, yet fiercely passionate kiss, talking through ragged breaths as their tongues intertwined, fully aware of how  _ desperate  _ he was sounding, but not caring all the same.  _ "Please.. _ .  _ don't stop, Yusei…For me..?" _

"I won't." Yusei whispered back, heart drumming in his ears as he pulled away, a strand of saliva still connecting their lips. “I’m going to make you feel good, inside  _ and  _ out.”

_ “Satisfy me.” _ _   
_ _ “I will.”  _ Yusei promised. “But don’t hold back those moans; I  _ love  _ the sound of your voice.” Yusei purred, kissing down Kalin’s stomach, continuing where he had left off. 

His tongue traced every curve and fall of the others’ muscles, his breath warm against the cooler, pale skin. Slowly, he dipped his hot, wet tongue into Kalin’s navel, swirling it around. Kalin let the moan fall fully from his lips, he couldn’t help it, really, it was still one of his favorite places to be kissed like  _ that _ . Kalin squirmed underneath the oh, so  _ wonderful  _ touches, excited and wanting  _ more _ . 

** _Greedy._ **

“You’re still too  _ tense _ , Kalin.” Yusei whispered, hands at Kalins sides and massaging soothing circles. It was to be expected-- Kalin was always stressed out beyond the meaning of the word itself, and even though he was enjoying himself, his muscles remained rigid with every movement.

“I’m sorry.”

“No,  _ no _ , it’s fine. I love you.” Yusei reassured. He gave a gentle nibble and plenty of kisses on the inside of Kalins thighs. Looking up, he gave a suggestive smirk, before planting another kiss. “If you  _ want _ , I could give you a blowjob…”

Almost instantaneously, the blush in Kalin’s face deepened and he looked away.  _ God _ , he couldn’t even remember the last time Yusei had sucked him off-- maybe it was that time behind a Security outpost? The thought alone would have been enough to send Kalin over the edge-- he couldn’t help but buck his hips and let out whine. He was already aching for release, feeling warm and hazy (not to mention sweaty,) but Kalin whimpered out a  _ “please,” _ regardless. 

Without a moment's hesitation, he felt the slim fingers of Yusei’s hand, now covered with lubricant that the Signer had grabbed from the mess under his bed, gently wrap around Kalin’s erection, stroking almost agonizingly slow.

_ “Yus--” _ Kalin started to whimper, but let out a soft gasp as he felt his boyfriend’s lips cover the head of his dick. (If he was standing, surely Kalin’s legs would have buckled out from beneath him.) Half-lidded golden eyes stared at the raven haired man, drinking in all of his features. The black hair that stuck to his sweat-slicked forehead, the way his head moved up and down, his ocean blue eyes that occasionally looked up, filled with warmth. 

_ Everything about Yusei is perfect,  _ Kalin concludes with a soft smile, before closing his eyes and letting the world wash away. 

Between the sensations of Yusei’s wet tongue, and the absolute love in his heart that Kalin had tried to bury down for months, Kalin couldn’t think, letting himself drown in every emotion and feeling of the moment. The world around them had died.

Kalin’s eyes snapped open feeling the first of Yusei’s slicked fingers enter him. As relaxed as he had become, Kalin still had instinctively tightened up, trying to expel the intruder in his body. He dug his nails into Yusei’s shoulders, earning a sharp cry of pain from the smaller man, pulling himself up.

** _You’ve done it now; you’ve hurt him yet again._ **

“I’m sorry!” Kalin whimpered with a shout before Yusei could say anything, forcing his hands to relax and loosen their grip on his boyfriend's shoulders. God, how could someone fuck something up so  _ much?  _ Overstimulated and overemotional, what a horrible,  _ horrible  _ combination of things. He wanted to cry, he wanted to beg, and yet his mind and body couldn’t decide on one singular thing. Perhaps he just wanted to curl up and die in a hole (he knew Yusei wouldn’t let that happen, ever, thankfully.)

“Kalin, it’s okay. It happens, it’s no big deal, just some scratches.” Yusei murmured, using his free hand to tenderly caress Kalin’s face and neck in comfort. His voice was soft, and Kalin wanted to take each and every comforting word and wrap himself up in it, like a warm blanket. 

** _Do you really deserve such a luxury after causing him pain?_ **

“Do you want me to keep going?”

Kalin merely nodded his head, golden eyes unable to meet sapphire blue. 

He wouldn’t be able to regain the mind numbing pleasure from moments prior, but Kalin forced himself to relax and try to enjoy the moment, despite the voice of Ccapac Apu booming in his skull. Kalin wanted to reach up and cover his ears, as if that would actually stop the mocking laughter within his brain (he knew it wouldn’t, but it was comforting regardless,) but Yusei would ask what was wrong, and what would Kalin be able to say? He couldn’t tell Yusei about it; his boyfriend could never hide the emotion of pain very well. 

** _You’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt him, and now he’s only fucking you out of sympathy._ **

_ Haven’t I been punished enough? Why must this damn mark stay on my arm until I turn to dust? _

Kalin was brought out of the dark expanse of his mind, letting out another low moan as Yusei inserted another finger, gently scissoring and probing as he whispered quiet words of encouragement to the other. 

_ “It’s okay.” _

_ “Relax, Kalin.” _

_ “You’re doing great.” _

And finally,  _ “I love you.” _

Kalin relished in the hazy heat that had rekindled inside of him, arching his back and leaning into the touches once more. He wanted this, he ached for it, but the doubt in the back of his mind was growing and reaching out to him, clutching his heart and squeezing it, digging it’s nails into it and drawing every last ounce of blood and love out from him. 

_ Ignore it, ignore it, _ he told himself, tired eyes focusing on Yusei smiling down on him. Kalin smiled back. The physical pain was fading, thankfully. 

A desperate and impatient whine rose up from Kalin as the fingers retreated. He called after the other, as if he’d never be able to see him again, a pout on his lips as he forced himself to be patient while Yusei added more lubricant to his hand, spreading it across his member.

_ “...Yusei…” _

** _Pathetic and needy, that’s all you are now._ **

Yusei pushed in slowly and carefully, still whispering soothing sweet nothings into Kalin’s ears. Kalin let out a groan, flexing his fingers as to not dig his nails into Yusei’s shoulders once again. It hurt, of course, but the pain was dulled under an intense  _ want _ . Kalin loosely wrapped his legs around Yusei’s waist, trying to bring him ever so closer, as if he were a life preserver tossed into the sea of Kalin’s darkness, the only thing keeping him afloat above it all. 

Yet, a part of Kalin still felt like it was drowning. 

Yusei set a comfortable pace, not too fast, but not to slow. Kalin met each and every thrust eagerly, arms languidly around Yusei’s shoulders, softly calling out the Signer’s name, as though there were no other words in his vocabulary. 

Everything was perfect, so,  _ so perfect _ , wasn’t it?  _ Wasn’t it? _

Even in his bliss, the gloom of Kalin’s mind sent doubt through his spine, causing him to shiver, despite how hot he felt. He tried to tell himself that it was Ccapac Apu messing in his brain, that it was the Immortal scratching at the walls and letting out a hiss of evil thoughts, but there was no echo of evil to these thoughts, just humane hatred and doubt that Kalin didn’t want to think of as his own. After all, wasn’t it easier to blame every  _ despicable  _ notion his brain brought up on an ancient Peruvian demon?

He could kill him, rake his nails along Yusei’s ribcage and watch the other  _ bleed _ until there was nothing left. Maybe through him up against a wall and knock him unconscious. Kalin didn’t want to hurt his boyfriend more than he already had, but every voice in his mind joined Ccapac Apu’s mocking, melding into a single shout of his own stream of consciousness. 

How absolutely, rancidly  _ horrible  _ of him to have these thoughts about the one he loved, and the one who loved him back. 

_ What’s worse, _ Kalin thinks, _ Is that Yusei would forgive me for all of it. _

Kalin wrapped his arms tightly around Yusei’s shoulders, pulling himself up into a sitting position, crouching over and burying his face into Yusei’s chest, nails scraping against the tan flesh. Breathing heavily, Kalin continued to repeat the others' name like it was a prayer, that he was nothing more than a demon in midst of an exorcism, and that the raven haired man was his redemption (and in a way, that's how they were.)

_ “...Yusei...Yuuusei…” _

Yusei had ceased his movements instantly in surprise, and just as he was about to ask what was wrong, he felt a warm wetness on his chest. Yusei put his arms around the other, resting his head on the silvery head of hair. Soothing, warm, and  _ safe _ . Kalin always felt so inexplicably  _ safe  _ around Yusei, even when they were Enforcers, and even now. He shuddered with a silent sob, the feeling of undeserving making his very soul feel heavy. 

“It’s okay Kalin, just let it out.” Yusei murmured, pulling the other as close as he physically could. “I’m here for you.”

"I don't deserve you." Kalin finally said, his voice a faint whisper.

“I’m sorry?”

_ “I don’t deserve you.” _ Kalin repeated, louder and firmer this time. There was a growl to his voice once again, filled with a hate that was directed at no one but himself. The cracks of his mind were giving way to the deep seed that Ccapac Apu has planted without a care in the world.

" _ Kally _ , what you deserve isn't up to you, it's up to the people around you and what they're willing to give."

"That's the problem Yusei-- you're willing to give me your  _ everything _ ; that's what I don't deserve!" Kalin’s voice raised to a sudden shout, dragging his nails suddenly down Yusei’s abdomen. Yusei winced and more tears pricked at Kalin’s eyes, causing him to look away, even if he had heard Yusei's beloved  _ pet name _ for him. “I hurt you so much in the past, and even if I don’t mean to in the present, I still cause you pain! Sometimes I still have thoughts of  _ killing  _ you!”

“But you don't act on them.”

“That doesn’t make it any  _ better!” _ Kalin spat. “You make me feel so safe, like the darkness that surrounds me, and the ghosts of my past can’t touch me when I’m with you! Still,  _ still  _ I have these thoughts and you deserve so much  _ better  _ than that! You say _ ‘I love you’ _ to me like it’s second nature, but I feel like no matter how much I’d say it, it’ll never make up for what I did to you! If I said _ ‘I love you’  _ a hundred thousand times, it wouldn’t be enough!”

“I don’t care.” Yusei said, gently pulling up Kalin’s tear streaked face. Kalin didn’t cry often, not even when he was alive, which meant that he had been bottling these feelings up for a while. It was certainly more than a few days, weeks perhaps, maybe even since they started dating again, maybe even before. (Yusei felt guilty for not knowing that this was what was going on inside Kalin’s mind.) 

“I still love you,” he affirmed, pressing a kiss on the edge of Kalin’s jaw. 

_ “Why? _ Why, when you can do so much better?”

“I’ve never cared about what’s better, or what’s worse.” Yusei smiled gently. “Just what I currently have-- and I have you. You’re all I care about, and all that I need, Kally. I love  _ you  _ and  _ only  _ you.”

** _Does he? Does he really?_ **

_ SHUT UP--!! _

"You're not perfect, neither of us are, but you're all I need." 

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." Yusei pressed a tender kiss on Kalin's lips, soft and careful, as if it was an apology, hand gently resting on the back of the Ex Dark Signer's head. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Yusei…" Kalin whispered, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend's neck, leaning down to kiss his chapped lips as his free hand intertwined with Yusei's, squeezing slightly. Yusei was his lifeline. 

"I love you."

"I know. That's more than enough."

They spent the rest of their time like that, interlocked together and whispering encouraging things to one another as their bodies moved in unison Soft moans and hushed giggles of pleasure rising up from both of their throats until they both climaxed, falling into each other's arms, tired and spent.

_ Don't focus on the thoughts. Don't listen. _ Kalin told himself, laying beside Yusei, curled up his strong arms and their legs tangled together.  _ Yusei's love will shine through my darkness and pain. He'll pull me out of it, because he loves me, and no matter what Ccapac says, I deserve to be loved. _

_ And that is also enough. _


End file.
